dismantling a heart
I hold up the past three weeks with a scrutinizing stare. There isn’t a single moment where I can see something going wrong. Not a specific event where something happened to make me feel what I’m feeling.
It turns out I’m the safest, most protected place. Realizing that you are safe and protected is a very beautiful thing when you are facing the largest inner storm in your life. God waits for the perfect time and place to draw out the poison that pools deep within your heart.
I am dismantled. I do not know how I lived before. The closer these wretched things come to the surface, the more evident they become.
I want to run and hide. Hide from the process, from the immense weight, from the love. This I cannot do, for I was bought with a price.
As hard as the process is, I know that God is good. All that He does is for our good.
This takes more courage than I have. Seeking Truth takes courage, especially the truth about yourself. But we cannot hide in the lies. We cannot place our value for comfort higher than our value for truth.
"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."
I will stand with my arms outstretched in the middle of this arena. Watch me as I bleed. I need you to see this. This is me becoming me. You seeing this makes it real. You seeing this makes it truth. I turn on every light and open every door. Watch this old man crawl to the front porch and die.
I invite you to do the same. This beautiful death is an invitation to new beginnings.
It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. 11 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
12 Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.